My friend Deborah recently suggested that the next time Bruno Mars comes to town, I should picket outside the concert venue. It's true that I am not overly fond of the Filipino crooner, nor do I make my distaste quiet. Whenever "Just the Way You Are" comes on in a shop, an instinctive shudder hits my body like a nervous tic before I even realize why I'm cringing.
Before I'm labeled as an irrational hater...
Before I'm labeled as an irrational hater...
...I will say that Bruno Mars is an exceedingly talented guy. He has pipes. When he recorded "Nothing on You" with B.o.B., they recorded his part in one take. That's Celine Dion status. And he clearly has some humor and can write lyrics. He did after all pen Cee Lo's "F*ck You". So it's clear he's good at being a jerk. He should just stick to that.
I'm not a fan of any of his songs though, and I usually find his lyrics to be lacking. And he has an irritating penchant to resort to oohs and ahhs as filler when he can't even come up with those mediocre lyrics.
Here are ten songs that justify my rather strong feelings on the matter:
1. Just the Way You Are (Doo-Wops and Hooligans)
Ah yes, let's start with the most famous one. Bruno's song about how much he loves the girl and how "When you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while". This song allegedly makes girls swoon all over because hey, Bruno Mars is saying "it's okay, baby. You're perfect just the way you are."
Besides the fact that these lyrics are overloaded cheesiness, the kind of vomit-in-your-mouth-inducing words that guys fabricate to win over gullible girls (hey I wonder if he and Edward Cullen from Twilight ever get together to hatch some ringers), people seem to gloss over the fact that all of these lyrics are about how the girl looks. There's nothing about her winning personality or sense of humor, or how he loves how well they get along (although we do get a sense that this chick is extremely insecure). Every word is about her smile, her lips, her hair, her face. So basically, when Bruno Mars says "If perfect's what you're searching for, then just stay the same" he's actually telling the girl don't ever ever change the way you look.
Use of oohs/aahs: Yes. In the opening.
Most offending lines: Her hair, her hair falls perfectly without her tryin' (I'm sure she does try, Bruno. I'm sure she does).
When I see your face/there's not a thing that I would change (I'm sure that IS the case for you)
2. Marry You (Doo-Wops and Hooligans)
I don't know why people think this song is romantic, even to the point that it's been used to propose to people. If you actually listen to the lyrics, it's a song about how a couple is drunk and they're: "looking for something dumb to do"...so they decide to get married.
Basically, it's the swan song of many a couple in Vegas after they've imbibed in a bit too much alcohol. (and PS if you think marriage is dumb, you probably shouldn't do it).
I'm not a fan of any of his songs though, and I usually find his lyrics to be lacking. And he has an irritating penchant to resort to oohs and ahhs as filler when he can't even come up with those mediocre lyrics.
Here are ten songs that justify my rather strong feelings on the matter:
1. Just the Way You Are (Doo-Wops and Hooligans)
Ah yes, let's start with the most famous one. Bruno's song about how much he loves the girl and how "When you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while". This song allegedly makes girls swoon all over because hey, Bruno Mars is saying "it's okay, baby. You're perfect just the way you are."
Besides the fact that these lyrics are overloaded cheesiness, the kind of vomit-in-your-mouth-inducing words that guys fabricate to win over gullible girls (hey I wonder if he and Edward Cullen from Twilight ever get together to hatch some ringers), people seem to gloss over the fact that all of these lyrics are about how the girl looks. There's nothing about her winning personality or sense of humor, or how he loves how well they get along (although we do get a sense that this chick is extremely insecure). Every word is about her smile, her lips, her hair, her face. So basically, when Bruno Mars says "If perfect's what you're searching for, then just stay the same" he's actually telling the girl don't ever ever change the way you look.
Use of oohs/aahs: Yes. In the opening.
Most offending lines: Her hair, her hair falls perfectly without her tryin' (I'm sure she does try, Bruno. I'm sure she does).
When I see your face/there's not a thing that I would change (I'm sure that IS the case for you)
2. Marry You (Doo-Wops and Hooligans)
I don't know why people think this song is romantic, even to the point that it's been used to propose to people. If you actually listen to the lyrics, it's a song about how a couple is drunk and they're: "looking for something dumb to do"...so they decide to get married.
Basically, it's the swan song of many a couple in Vegas after they've imbibed in a bit too much alcohol. (and PS if you think marriage is dumb, you probably shouldn't do it).
Although I wouldn't say no to Elvis at my wedding.
Use of oohs/aahs: Eh, not especially. Just some sparse "ooh" crooning in the verses and the bridge. There are a few "no no" and "yeah yeah" in here. Basically how the girl is saying "no" but he's saying "yeah"...that sounds like the beginning of a seminar on consent.
Most offending lines: Who cares if we're trashed/Got a pocket full of cash we can blow (By getting married. Yeah.)
If we wake up and you/Wanna break up, that's cool (Why, Bruno Mars? Because you realized that last night you had beer goggles on and she doesn't actually have great smile, lips, hair, face?)
3. Gorillas (Unorthodox Jukebox)
This song is about how Bruno Mars wants to make love to his girl like they're gorillas. Literally. That's all this is. The chorus goes: "You and me baby making love like gorillas" coupled with some wailing "oohs". Nice. The verses go on to talk about exactly how Bruno Mars is gonna give it to his girl. So classy.
Most offending lines: Who cares if we're trashed/Got a pocket full of cash we can blow (By getting married. Yeah.)
If we wake up and you/Wanna break up, that's cool (Why, Bruno Mars? Because you realized that last night you had beer goggles on and she doesn't actually have great smile, lips, hair, face?)
3. Gorillas (Unorthodox Jukebox)
This song is about how Bruno Mars wants to make love to his girl like they're gorillas. Literally. That's all this is. The chorus goes: "You and me baby making love like gorillas" coupled with some wailing "oohs". Nice. The verses go on to talk about exactly how Bruno Mars is gonna give it to his girl. So classy.
Seriously, what is his obsession with monkeys?
Use of oohs/aahs: Yes. In the chorus.
Most offending lines: But in this jungle you can't run/Cause what I got for you/I promise is a killer, you'll be banging on my chest/Bang bang, gorilla
There were actually more offensive ones, but they're a bit raunchy...
4. Show Me (Unorthodox Jukebox)
I pretty much only find this one offensive because it has a reggae beat in the back and suddenly, Bruno Mars has a Jamaican accent. Am I the only one hearing this? Maybe I'm the racist one here.
Use of oohs/aahs: Nope. I guess it's not in the genre.
Most offending lines: Your pleasure pleasure island is where we'll go (hmm...what do you think he means? I don't know).
5. When I Was Your Man (Unorthodox Jukebox)
I kind of despise these songs. This one is basically about how he should have done better when he had the girl and he realizes how he should have treated her better. That's nice, I guess. But hindsight is kind of 20/20 isn't it? And Bruno, you'd probably do it the same way if you had another chance anyway. This is just basically an excuse for you. And I kinda wish you'd come up with some more creative ways (and lyrics) to make up for it then saying you should have gotten her flowers and taken her dancing more. If only girls were that uncomplicated and easy to handle.
Most offending lines: But in this jungle you can't run/Cause what I got for you/I promise is a killer, you'll be banging on my chest/Bang bang, gorilla
There were actually more offensive ones, but they're a bit raunchy...
4. Show Me (Unorthodox Jukebox)
I pretty much only find this one offensive because it has a reggae beat in the back and suddenly, Bruno Mars has a Jamaican accent. Am I the only one hearing this? Maybe I'm the racist one here.
Use of oohs/aahs: Nope. I guess it's not in the genre.
Most offending lines: Your pleasure pleasure island is where we'll go (hmm...what do you think he means? I don't know).
5. When I Was Your Man (Unorthodox Jukebox)
I kind of despise these songs. This one is basically about how he should have done better when he had the girl and he realizes how he should have treated her better. That's nice, I guess. But hindsight is kind of 20/20 isn't it? And Bruno, you'd probably do it the same way if you had another chance anyway. This is just basically an excuse for you. And I kinda wish you'd come up with some more creative ways (and lyrics) to make up for it then saying you should have gotten her flowers and taken her dancing more. If only girls were that uncomplicated and easy to handle.
I pity you guys.
Use of oohs/aahs: Yes. In the chorus.
Most offending lines: Should have gave you all my hours when I had the chance (No, thank you. Don't really want them)
Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance (But I didn't. Not really)
6. Moonshine (Unorthodox Jukebox)
I actually think this song is kind of funny. It's meant to be a romantic song, but I'm pretty sure Bruno Mars is singing a serenade to alcohol. Moonshine is, after all, slang for homemade whisky. If you read the lyrics in this context, it works 100%. Try it.
Most offending lines: Should have gave you all my hours when I had the chance (No, thank you. Don't really want them)
Take you to every party cause all you wanted to do was dance (But I didn't. Not really)
6. Moonshine (Unorthodox Jukebox)
I actually think this song is kind of funny. It's meant to be a romantic song, but I'm pretty sure Bruno Mars is singing a serenade to alcohol. Moonshine is, after all, slang for homemade whisky. If you read the lyrics in this context, it works 100%. Try it.
Use of oohs/aahs: A little "ooh" action in the background of the last chorus. We'll let this one slide.
Most offending lines: I know I was with you last night but it feels like it's been so long/And everybody that's around they know that I'm not myself when you're gone (Yup)
Moonshine, your love it makes me come alive/Take us to that special place (Yup)
7. Runaway Baby (Doo-Wops and Hooligans)
This song is so darn catchy. Too bad Bruno Mars is a self-absorbed ass in it. But I guess he's not that different from most rappers in that he's talking about how fly he is and how he can snag any girl that he wants. He's telling them all to "Run, run, runaway, runaway, baby/Before I put my spell on you". Why? If you run, will it help? Does he have Sex Panther cologne on?
I think it would have been better if he had said exactly why he was so fly. I'd respect him more if he had some skateboarding skills or if he could solve a Rubix cube in under 30 seconds. But the whole song, he just compares girls to bunnies and tells them to run for their lives. This could actually be a song that Elmer Fudd is singing.
Most offending lines: I know I was with you last night but it feels like it's been so long/And everybody that's around they know that I'm not myself when you're gone (Yup)
Moonshine, your love it makes me come alive/Take us to that special place (Yup)
7. Runaway Baby (Doo-Wops and Hooligans)
This song is so darn catchy. Too bad Bruno Mars is a self-absorbed ass in it. But I guess he's not that different from most rappers in that he's talking about how fly he is and how he can snag any girl that he wants. He's telling them all to "Run, run, runaway, runaway, baby/Before I put my spell on you". Why? If you run, will it help? Does he have Sex Panther cologne on?
I think it would have been better if he had said exactly why he was so fly. I'd respect him more if he had some skateboarding skills or if he could solve a Rubix cube in under 30 seconds. But the whole song, he just compares girls to bunnies and tells them to run for their lives. This could actually be a song that Elmer Fudd is singing.
So many [wascally wabbits]/I'd like to pursue.
Use of oohs/aahs: I don't think so.
Most offending lines: Ah what do we have?/Another pretty thang for me to grab
There's only one carrot/and they all gotta share it (Gee, I don't know what he's talking about here either).
8. Lazy Song (Doo-Wops and Hooligans)
"Today I don't feel like doing anything."
No one cares, Bruno Mars.
I just find this song annoying. It's unfortunate that this song came out around the same time as "Billionaire" which he did with Travis McCoy, so I just associate the two of these songs together. Therefore, I only hear how he wants to be a billionaire without doing anything. Plus he talks about how he wants to have crazy sex with a girl (as always) and once again mentions what a tiger he is in the sack. He must be really really good at sex. So good he has to remind us in every song.
Most offending lines: Ah what do we have?/Another pretty thang for me to grab
There's only one carrot/and they all gotta share it (Gee, I don't know what he's talking about here either).
8. Lazy Song (Doo-Wops and Hooligans)
"Today I don't feel like doing anything."
No one cares, Bruno Mars.
I just find this song annoying. It's unfortunate that this song came out around the same time as "Billionaire" which he did with Travis McCoy, so I just associate the two of these songs together. Therefore, I only hear how he wants to be a billionaire without doing anything. Plus he talks about how he wants to have crazy sex with a girl (as always) and once again mentions what a tiger he is in the sack. He must be really really good at sex. So good he has to remind us in every song.
Hey baby.
Use of oohs/aahs: Besides a couple interjections, no. But there are plenty of "yeahs" to fill in space. I guess he felt too lazy to think of lyrics.
Most offending lines: Find a really nice girl/have some really nice sex/And she's gonna scream out/This is great (I'm sure she will)
9. It Will Rain (Twilight: Breaking Dawn Soundtrack)
I was being facetious earlier when saying Bruno Mars and Edward Cullen from Twilight should team up...but it turns out he did do a song for one of the Twilight soundtracks. Kind of perfect. I think this song exemplifies exactly the unhealthy, completely shattering destruction Bella goes through when she breaks up with Edward. (did I spoil something for anyone? Sorry, but not really).
Bruno Mars expounds on all the work he's doing, reminding his girlfriend: Keep in mind all the sacrifices I'm makin'/To keep you from walkin' out the door.
Wow my bad, Bruno Mars. What about the sacrifices she's making? Apparently, from the sound of the following verses, her parents disapprove pretty heavily of you. What have you done? Are you a drug dealer? A vampire? Well yeah, I'd be pretty concerned if that was the case too. Or maybe they just listened to your other songs where you keep on talking about how you're having crazy monkey sex all the time. Plus in the chorus you moan how much your life will suck if she's gone. Soo...it sounds more like you want her in your life so you won't be miserable.
Most offending lines: Find a really nice girl/have some really nice sex/And she's gonna scream out/This is great (I'm sure she will)
9. It Will Rain (Twilight: Breaking Dawn Soundtrack)
I was being facetious earlier when saying Bruno Mars and Edward Cullen from Twilight should team up...but it turns out he did do a song for one of the Twilight soundtracks. Kind of perfect. I think this song exemplifies exactly the unhealthy, completely shattering destruction Bella goes through when she breaks up with Edward. (did I spoil something for anyone? Sorry, but not really).
Bruno Mars expounds on all the work he's doing, reminding his girlfriend: Keep in mind all the sacrifices I'm makin'/To keep you from walkin' out the door.
Wow my bad, Bruno Mars. What about the sacrifices she's making? Apparently, from the sound of the following verses, her parents disapprove pretty heavily of you. What have you done? Are you a drug dealer? A vampire? Well yeah, I'd be pretty concerned if that was the case too. Or maybe they just listened to your other songs where you keep on talking about how you're having crazy monkey sex all the time. Plus in the chorus you moan how much your life will suck if she's gone. Soo...it sounds more like you want her in your life so you won't be miserable.
He must be in Seattle.
Use of oohs/aahs: Yes. All oohs in the outro.
Most offending lines: If you ever leave me, baby/Leave some morphine at my door (Ain't nobody got time for that Bruno Mars. Where will she find this morphine anyway? Is she a doctor? A pharmacist? Find your own morphine)
10. Grenade (Doo-Wops and Hooligans)
Bruno Mars: "I would catch a grenade for you"
No, you wouldn't.
Bruno Mars: "From the first kiss, you had your eyes wide open/Why were they open?"
Why were YOURS open??
Bruno Mars: "Oh I would go through all this pain/Take a bullet straight through my brain"
What the. What? No one asked for that! No one wants that? And how is that supposed to help anything?
Bruno Mars: "No, you won't do the same/You wouldn't do the same"
Um no. I wouldn't.
Most offending lines: If you ever leave me, baby/Leave some morphine at my door (Ain't nobody got time for that Bruno Mars. Where will she find this morphine anyway? Is she a doctor? A pharmacist? Find your own morphine)
10. Grenade (Doo-Wops and Hooligans)
Bruno Mars: "I would catch a grenade for you"
No, you wouldn't.
Bruno Mars: "From the first kiss, you had your eyes wide open/Why were they open?"
Why were YOURS open??
Bruno Mars: "Oh I would go through all this pain/Take a bullet straight through my brain"
What the. What? No one asked for that! No one wants that? And how is that supposed to help anything?
Bruno Mars: "No, you won't do the same/You wouldn't do the same"
Um no. I wouldn't.
You stay classy, Bruno lovers (or haters).