As it's my last semester of my MFA (and of schooling for a long long while), the ever present and popular question exists: "Where are you going after this?" It's really a thinly veiled accusation of "What are you doing with your life?!"
Good question. I've come to realize the problem is that I'm satisfied with a lot of routes in life. In making goals for my "artist as entrepreneur" class (SO excellent. If you're at CalArts, please please take this class. It's amazing and Susan Solt, the teacher, is a GEM), I came to the conclusion that perhaps my first goal should be to become dissatisfied.
I've always been a big believer that character, not career is the ultimate goal in life...but it's also important to have that career-ish idea in mind.
Reading back on some old xanga entries (yes, I was one of those) made me reflect both on how much nicer and happier I used to be and also all that I've gone through to land here at CalArts for a couple years.
I had a lot of people tell me I was insane for leaving UW and going the music route. After I transferred schools, administrators at the music school I was accepted at asked me what I was doing there. Family friends and others told me I was a disappointment.
If you're one of those extremely blessed individuals that has directions from God that float down from the sky accompanied by a beam of searing light, an impossibly white dove, and heavenly choirs of angels, you probably have never had a doubt with your gift or ability or your presence in the world.
For the rest of us though, I think there are always those crippling moments of doubt where you suddenly wonder what the hell you're doing with your life or whether you chose the right path (not to mention all the doubt others can pile on you). For some, this makes you wander into some vertigo state where you contemplate on whether getting vanilla ice cream on that day was really the right choice/maybe I would have met my soulmate if I had gotten chocolate instead.
Honestly though, it's not too late. If you change your mind, change it. If you regret passing up on the love of your life, what the hell is keeping you from trying now? (Unless the chick/dude is married...then, tough luck to you, my friend). You want to be a doctor? Be a doctor. People always say that when God closes a door, he opens a window. I've always believed that to be false. What if God closes a door and doesn't open that metaphorical window? Sometimes you have to bust down a brick wall on your own. Why should we get everything handed to us on a nice silver platter?
Maybe I'll stop here before I wander too much into cliche/colloquialism land.
No matter the brief dark periods of life that seem to spout Hamlet-proportion monologues, I think I've always been good at bouncing back quickly.
I've always thought that if I wanted to be a rocket scientist, I could. If I wanted. Maybe that's delusional. Or maybe it's truth. And I don't mean that to be limited to myself. I think it applies to whomever, whenever. But again, it's about busting down that wall. It doesn't come without a considerable amount of work.
I'm happy to say that what/where my future is is finally coming to concrete terms (more on that in a later post), but at the same time, I'm happy with who I am and where I am now. There are always beautiful people, relationships, music, and moments wherever someone lands and it would be stupid not to enjoy it.